JUST SAY NO:

A Public Service Announcement

It is an undeniable fact that every single person growing up must embark upon that treacherous and impossible journey that is teendom. The friends, the drama, and the insecurities are all normal liberties of every human being to pass through puberty, added with the hope of three goals to help them not die a social death: to fit in, to not stick out, and to be accepted. Sometimes the trends we follow are an integral part of being one of The Pack. This was always a very hard thing for me, considering I've always been a little goofy, outspoken, dramatic, and stubborn to do what everyone else is doing, especially when it makes them appear to be insane. But it was made terribly clear to me (or maybe not so terribly?) that I would never be like those girls that everyone admired so much, but no one dared touch, when I was in 8th grade. Those girls had everything: the latest styles and fashions, backpacks, folders, even their braces looked fabulous until this day.

I remember I was 13 years old, just barely entering the “age of wisdom”, when I noticed the trend that had started to sweep across the Utah borders, taking every one of my friends with it. This is when I realized those girls would never be as cool as they had once been, for they carried a dark monster above their heads. I had seen pictures of my sister with similar aspects, but never this intense and ferocious. In recent years it had been taken to new heights.

Walking through the halls of my junior high I came face to face with “the monster”. It was consuming the queen bee’s head, holding firm through mounds of whatever adhesive she could find, raised high above her in a triumphant beckon to all that dared enter her world.

It was the "poof".

And not just any poof. The UTAH poof. The worst thing to cross our borders since the Black Hawk Indian wars of the 1800’s. Before this time in our lives our parents had done our hair, so we could not be blamed for the disaster that was our big bangs and ridiculous braids. Even in eighth grade, those little thirteen year olds, clinging desperately to whatever they thought was "cool", should not be held accountable for destroying their hair and making themselves look like idiots. That's what I figured—until I got to high school, even college, and found out that the "poof" is not just a heinous act for retarded, prepubescent girls to infringe upon. It's also a crime committed by stupid, post-pubescent moms, college students, high school seniors, dramanoids, cheerleaders, sports players, and pet owners alike. Point-blank it's an outlandish tradition that has been hailed upon for centuries in Utah and Utah alone.

Though big hair really took off in the 1950’s and 60’s, women have poofed their hair for centuries. Whether it was by use of wig or comb, they donned the unnatural looking headpiece with ease. In the 18^thquite large enough, they sometimes used switches of fake hair and wigs to make it look even more grand. century, women wore big powdered wigs to show power, authority, and class (hence the nick name “big wigs”). In the sixties though, it was all about the new wave of “poof”: the bouffant, or the B-52 as it is sometimes called for its uncanny resemblance to a B-52 bomber’s nose. Other nicknames include: the “rat’s nest”, “the beehive”, and the “hider of non-existent brains” (the last one is my own creation meant for the newer, uglier versions of this ‘do). It was discovered because women needed a more “conventional”, less “time-consuming” way to do their hair as they were entering the work place. And as if the hair wasn’t

The hair-style eventually gave way to the 80’s big hair which was also a nest of back-combing into much less controlled, straighter or even much curlier looking hairstyles. In the nineties it was big bangs that were the popular choice. Which leads us into the late nineties, early millennium era where some genius in Northern Utah got the idea to combine all the old “big hair” styles into the catastrophic new hair-do that we now see on practically every stilettoed, cake faced female today. This is called too much of a good thing, and it has always been known to entail disaster.

When attempting the “back comb” or the “rat” to achieve this new look (though I’d never recommend it) one must first grab a comb, a large bottle of Rave x3 hairspray (for better holding, worse looking purposes), and a clip. She then proceeds to separate her hair into four sections and back-combs every layer except the top and fourth one, which she then smoothes flat over the other layers, creating a sort of square or butt-headed look in the back portion of her cranium. Please know that this is a horrible disease, and should not be taken too lightly. This description is only provided for your protection and avoidance of its fundamental steps. I place this warning: CAUTION—DO NOT TRY AT HOME. MAY CAUSE DUMBING DOWN OF IQ AND USE OF TOO MANY “LIKES” IN ONE SENTENCE.

This is a serious problem people. Not only does it break just about every established law of physics, but it also violates our deepest mores as a society. Aerosol hairspray contains many chemicals such as isopropyl myristate, diethyl phthalate, propanol, ammonium hydroxide, and butane or propane to expel it from the can. It’s not only highly flammable in high concentrations, but it can also cause brain cell loss and damage when breathed in large doses (which explains the drop in IQ scores), and is used by many as a “new way of getting high”. We have more important things to worry about than whether or not our hair is going to light on fire or if we’re going to be able to make coherent sentences in the next hour.

I blame the parents and older siblings of these children for allowing them to leave the house in such a manner. Did they never question whether or not their children are hiding something under these “poofs”? What other reason could you have for building your hair up so much? If you’ve seen the height these things pack you know it would be an easy task for a minor to slip a bag of pot, a pill bottle, maybe a Corona, and some carrots or just water for lunch into these bad boys. Back in the 1700’s women would even stick bird cages in their ratty messes. As parents you are possibly promoting unhealthy lifestyles full of binge drinking, brain damage, and anorexia in your young adult daughters.

For those of you who commit the “poof” crime all I can tell you is get out now, while you still can, before it’s too late. Snap out of it. Not only does your hair look stringy, trashy, and fake, but you constantly smell of hair products, which does not help your classmates, colleagues, professors, and boyfriends, especially if they have allergies or sinus infections. Stop this ridiculous fashion faux-pas before it spreads to the rest of the world in what could only be deemed as The Apocalypse. If that’s not enough for you chew on this:

“The use of hair products and back-combing also sends your hair into a frenzy. Hairspray makes the hair dry, while ratting breaks the cuticle and surface of your hair, causing breakage, split ends, and that straw feeling that no one likes at all.” –Kimberly Orton, Cosmatologist.

I propose that all those that think that this is “cute” or “pretty” be rushed immediately to their local rehab center for treatment and reversal of the brainwashing that has been done to them by the Utah society. It is not fashionable, nor is trendy. It is just a gnarled lump of tangled hair disguised by one square layer and a can of hairspray. Do not let it fool you. It will become habit forming and addictive to you, the user, if let go untamed. Just look at all the young mothers in the area that cannot grow out of their childhood “poof” addictions, still basking in the non-existent glory of their high school hair.

Poof is a menace to society. It’s horrible for every inch of your hair and uses dangerous and flammable chemicals to maintain its illustrious height. I watched countless numbers fall victim to its attacks as a thirteen-year-old, but now I’m back to declare revenge. We can’t let it go unnoticed. Educate your children. Educate your friends. Educate you grandparents. If you don’t stop it, who will?

SAY NO TO POOF.